I wake with the knowledge that I'm alone. I'm on my own and I like it. I see couples stroll by. I hear their conversations and I remember what I don't like about being in relationship. I miss the companionship and I miss the comfort of closeness, but I understand that I'm to be alone now. I accept that. I have people I love, but I don't want to live with them. I want to play and be free. I still cling to ideals of men and women in love. I clutch at images of what a good relationship is. I'm deconstructing my whole concept. I understand that I can no longer look at my life in conventional terms. I suppose mine has never been a conventional life, but there was order and peace. I miss the peace. When I find acceptance, serenity, and surrender, I rejoice. It comes to me on certain occasions, but then it disappears and I struggle. Today I found Zen. I remember something from long ago when I was a brave child, on my own, traveling the country, fearlessly. I recall when I was a young mother in chaos. I didn't see it then. I walked forward with my children, convinced I knew it all. Ah, the folly of youth.
Forty-Three
The softest thing in the universe
Overcomes the hardest thing in the universe.
That without substance can enter where there is no room.
Hence I know the value of non-action.
Teaching without words and work without doing
Are understood by few.
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